Why? Why am I bothering to feel that little more hungry? Why am I pushing myself to ignore the leptin hormone that bit longer? Why am I pushing myself to be fitter in an aesthetic and sporting way?
Well, it is something I enjoy, once I get there.
For this to work well, I need drivers. I need things that are going to push me towards my goals. Intrinsic motivators that are there to satisfy me. I know that it is better for my health to be much further away from the 'obese' category of bodyfat percentages, I know that others may look at my current physique with a 'he's put on a few pounds' eye, but what are those things that I, the one going through it all, actually want from this?
Sat on my phone for a long time now (and im my various workout and nutrition diaries prior to that) have been small reminders of the things that I can work towards if I put in the graft now. These intrinsic drivers are a good reminder when the going gets a little tougher or when the sweet packet gets handed round. I just need to remember them at those times!
- Improved Health - OK so this one works as intrinsic and extrinsic. I know my family and friends want me to be happy and healthy and live long, blah blah, but I also want those things for myself. I don't want to be an old parent who can't chase my grand children around if I have any. I don't want to wake up with aches and pains before a time when it is normal (or even the aches and pains that I get now!). Side note: My back pains are far less when I am at a better weight.
- Better Sleep - Being hungry is a good reason to go to bed, you can't eat then! Ha. I have definitely found that when I am challenging myself more physically, particularly with early morning get-ups, I sleep so much better. My body is actually tired and I need the sleep.
- Physical Performance - Again, this is one that I thrive off of when I have it. Being able to compete physically with my brothers is something I always enjoy. Having mostly been the 'fat' one out of the 3 of us, or the one who was more acadmic so couldn't always keep up on the field, I've enjoyed being able to better myself and have enjoyed being able to keep up with them and the rest of the squad on a saturday at football. There's huge 'wins' from being physically fitter and being physically stronger than many on the pitch feels great. I love playing football, but it is so much easier when I am in a better shape: carrying less weight and have a better muscle mass makes the game far more enjoyable. Of course, I'm not a professional athlete and the results of my games don't actually matter (ish), but there's physical performance in all elements of life. Even right down to being able to be on my feet all day in front of a class of children, or kneel down for more than 10 minutes without going numb in the legs, its all physical.
- Body Confidence - This isn't one that blokes tend to talk about too much. It seems to be one of those girly topics when it comes to health, but I definitely think that I have suffered with elements of Body Dysmorphia over the years and have become incredibly critical about my body. I think it is probably due to the transitions I have gone through throughout my life. I have been through the times when I was very overweight, I had incredibly bad acne, I had 'fatty man-boobs' (thanks Dr for that note on my medical records) and I have also been through times when my body has been completely different to this. Going from just over 16 stone to 11 and a half stone, to then putting a bit more back on but getting a better muscle definition can really make you evaluate your body, but almost to a very unhealthy comparative level. I want to love the body that I am in (and mine could be a LOT worse), but I can't help but feel that I will be far more confident in my own skin, if I know that it is a healthier weight, it is making life tasks much easier and it is where I want to be. I am realistic, I don't have the genetics for a 6 pack body (nor the narcissistic approach to eating to diet that heavily, all the time!) I know where my 'happy zone' is in terms of body. It is when I have met some of these goals and my tops fit better again!!
- Clothes Fitting - I guess you could relate this one back to the body confidence one... But I have some really nice clothes, that have only been worn once or twice, because I bought them when I was at a smaller size, then got bigger, so they were seldom worn. But I know I look good in them and I like how I look in them. Likewise, I like how I look when I don't have them on, or when a surprise photograph is taken of me from the side and I haven't had time to breath in, lift my chest and suck in several chins. I really want to get to the point where I can have an entire new wardrobe, without having to spend a penny, because they're all currently vacuum packed in the loft! For now, I will continue in my 4 t-shirts that fit, which are coincidentally almost my first 4 that I ever bought, about 10 years ago, before I lost a load of weight.
I know that I can become obsessive over this. I have always been very fortunate in life to never really suffer with any mental health issues. But if I really had to pick at my own mental health, I would say that my obsessions over how I look, my weight, what I eat, how I have or have not exercised.... could be a little obsessive. It would be nice to calm this a little so that routines and standards are in place, so that I don't need to 'focus' on it. I have almost definitely got some sort of genuine eating disorder when it comes to binge eating. Many would describe it as a common thing that all people do, particularly when external factors such as tiredness and stress impact on you, but mine can be to a totally different level, and I can do it in quite a hidden way, eating huge amounts of calories in one sitting, without any control over what I put into my pie-hole! Then spend the next 6 hours regretting it massively. This is something I'm working on. It's not something I'm proud of, and I'm sure it is just habitual, but it definitely has impacted massively on my caloric intakes over recent years, so is something I am taking steps to work on.
My 'why'? Life. The enjoyment of life and life with those around me. You only get the one body to live in, and it's only going to be around for a short period of time. Be happy in it.
